April is a month of remembrance for me. That is, remembering the day I was told to sit down for 30 minutes without talking or interrupting while a pastor’s wife read aloud a 7 page letter to me explaining how I ruined her family (see previous blog). I often think through the course of events that led her to read that letter to me when approaching the anniversary of that broken day. I try to remember what happened over the brief 10 months my husband and I began our relationship with the church and the pastor’s family, and if I truly was the culprit to ruin their lives. After I go over everything and remember I was not whom they made me out to be, I re-study the signs of a manipulator.
It’s a hard lesson, but it's important to know manipulators will ruin you if you let them. In order to make a positive impact in life, we must surround ourselves with people who positively impact us. Psychologists have proven we are highly impressionable beings. We mirror each other's emotions and we are each a byproduct of those whom have influenced us since birth. I think it's easy to also become manipulators ourselves, so we must feed off of good, trustworthy people so we can be good and trustworthy in turn.
Here are some questions I try to ask myself before choosing to befriend or even do business with someone. They help me to better discern if I’m dealing with a manipulator.
Here are some questions I try to ask myself before choosing to befriend or even do business with someone. They help me to better discern if I’m dealing with a manipulator.
Does this person make me feel weak, unknowledgable, or inadequate?
Manipulators like to be, or at least act superior. If they can trick you into thinking they are better or wiser than you, they can get you to do what they want. I see this a lot when dealing with salesmen. I actually just received a phone call today from an ad salesperson, who was trying to convince me that if I didn’t pay to have my business advertised on their site, I would go unnoticed by those looking for what I offered. She gave me some “facts” about customers and basically told me how the internet worked, as though I didn’t know. She was trying to make me feel like my current advertising tactics were inadequate, which let me know pretty quickly she was trying to manipulate me into buying something I really didn’t need.
Are they being pushy? Do I feel rushed or guilt tripped into something?
Unfortunately, churches can be really good at this. There's a sign every Alabamian knows about when road tripping home from the beach. It says, "Go to church, or the devil will get you." That sign wouldn't exist if a manipulator hadn't shamed people about their lack of church attendance. Another example I've heard a few times at various church revivals, “If you don’t accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior right now, you might DIE in a car accident on your way home!” I do believe churches have good intentions most of the time when they use fear tactics to bring people to church or the Lord, but this is not the way. God is not a God of guilt, and by scaring people into submission, you’re also encouraging them to worry (which Jesus discourages us from doing).
Do they use the victim card frequently? Does it seem like everyone’s hurt them?
Of all the friends and church leaders I’ve allowed to manipulate me in the past, this seems to be the common denominator in the beginning of our relationship(s). “So and so hurt me, then so and so hurt me, then so and so hurt me." "Everyone's out to get me." Or, “I don’t understand why we keep hiring the wrong people for this position.” I once read the quote, “If they talk bad about others to you, they’ll talk bad about you to others.” I would add when it comes to dealing with manipulators, if they constantly play the victim, you will eventually become the “attacker.”
Are they humble? Willing to admit fault to their mistakes?
Don Miller said in a blog that one commonality he’s seen with all manipulators is they “have a very difficult time admitting they’re wrong.” They want followers and they want their followers to submit to them, no questions asked. I think as a result, they have to act superior and hide any and all of their flaws through lies and deceit. I worked with a guy once whom I thought was kind, generous, and all around cool. But sometimes he’d make mistakes at work (which is normal), and when I or the boss confronted him, he’d deny it. I always thought that was weird. Unfortunately, he slowly started attempting to take over the business or at least pretend he was in charge of everything and the boss ended up having to fire him in order to save the business from his false and flawed authority.
When I say "no," do they get aggressive or show their dark side?
I’ve got stories for days on manipulators that have pulled this one on me. Manipulators want what they want and when they can’t get it, they resort to anger and aggressive behavior as a last stitched effort to scare you to submission. I had a parent of a student who disagreed with one of our business policies. Once she realized her child would not be the exception to our rule, she showed her ugly side. She literally pouted in the waiting room every week, thus bringing negativity to our studio atmosphere. Her negativity was palpable and one of our teachers admitted to me she “hid in her teaching room” until the parent left. We let the student go and encouraged the mom to find a teaching studio she would be happy with because at the end of the day, she wasn’t happy with us and that wasn’t fair to her, her child, or us.
And you would not believe how much better the atmosphere of our waiting room at the studio became. People seemed happier and more positive, and that teacher who hid in her room started hanging out with everyone again.
And you would not believe how much better the atmosphere of our waiting room at the studio became. People seemed happier and more positive, and that teacher who hid in her room started hanging out with everyone again.
The world is a much better place when people don’t use manipulative tactics to get what they. My personal world has been so much better since I began keeping my distance from manipulative people. I write these things to remember, but hopefully they encourage you too.